Malibu

It has been really slow working for my catering company these past couple of months. A friend of mine recommended my to another catering company that only works out of Malibu. Long story short, they hired me and my first job was two weekends ago.

Here are the events in chronological order that occurred that night.

11:30am – I arrive in Malibu, possible one of the prettiest places around. Right on the ocean, surrounded by mountains, it is just breathtaking.

12:00pm – I leave with the rest of the company to go park our cars and take a van up to where the wedding is. The parking lot is right by a small trailer that has a sign on it that says “worker placement agency”. The only people around it appear to by Latino men. One lady remarks, “I hope my wheels are still there when we get back”, she thinks this is a riot. Jose, one of our chefs, doesn’t seem to like it that much.

12:30pm – We begin setting up for the wedding. It is at a place called Castle Kasham. It is a building that looks just like a real castle. It has a breathtaking view of the ocean and surrounding areas, which include houses by Mel Gibson and Olivia Newton John, supposedly.

4:30pm – Guest begin to arrive and we have set up a lemonade and ice tea bar for them to have drinks before the ceremony. I am serving the lemonade and ice tea. The wine, beer and liquor bar is not open for business until after the ceremony.

4:31pm – Guests begin to pick up the lemonade and ice tea and start to mill around before the ceremony starts.

4:32pm – Good Looking Surfer Dude asks me if there is anything else besides ice tea and lemonade to drink. I tell him the alcohol bar will not open until after the ceremony, per the bride’s directions. To which he replies, “I don’t get that, this is Malibu, you know” to which I have no appropriate answer. He picks up a glass of lemonade and begins to drink it while giving me a look to let me know that he will drink lemonade, but he is NOT really going to enjoy it.

4:40pm – Good Looking Surfer Dude intercepts a couple of his friends going to my bar and tells them, “The real bar is not open yet, can you believe that. I don’t get that”. His friends don’t seem to mind since it is 137 degrees out and they will be sitting in the sun during the ceremony.

4:42 – Good Looking Surfer Dude again lets me know that he could really use something else to drink because the lemonade is “just not cutting it”. I tell him yet again that the bar will be open in less than an hour and he can drink all that he wants to then. He is not happy with my answer and shakes his head as he walks away.

4:47pm – An older man comes over to my station to pick up an ice tea and sample some of the cheese and fruit we have set up next to my stand. He proceeds to drop 62 grapes on the ground plus a couple of crackers with cheese on it. Then just walks away, leaving the huge mess for me to take care of.

4:52pm – A younger kid accidentally kicks a floodlight on the ground and it comes loose from its bracket. He tries to fix it for about 9 seconds and then moves away from it, hoping no one would notice.

4:53pm – I walk over to it and screw it back into the bracket. Problem solved.

5:00pm – The ceremony begins and we have a few minutes break before the cocktail hour begins.

5:30pm – Cocktail hour begins. I am serving wine and juice on a tray to help cut down on the rush to the alcohol bar.

5:45pm – I begin tray-passing appetizers on a tray to people.

5:48pm - I approach Good Looking Surfer Dude with a tray of appetizers asking him if he and his date would like one. He says “no, but if you could get the wine guy to get me another glass that would be good”. I don’t have the heart to tell him that I am the wine guy and that I am obviously not passing wine anymore. I also don’t have the heart to tell him that he has a completely full glass of white wine and should be good for a while. I also don’t tell him that he is a douche bag.

5:57pm – As I am passing some crab cakes a man walks up to me and asks if we have anymore coconut shrimp. I tell him I will check when I go back to the kitchen for another plate.

6:01pm – I come out with a plate of coconut shrimp and the man takes 8 of them onto his three napkins, leaving about 15 for everyone else to eat.

6:08pm – I go back into the kitchen and tell the boss what happened with the coconut shrimp and she wants me to point out to her who the guy was that took 8 of them. I jokingly ask if there is going to be a fight and she says, “No, I am just going to go up to him and say hey, there are other people here. Don’t take all of the fucking shrimp”.

6:30pm – Cocktail hour is over. People begin to take their seats in a different courtyard for dinner. The alcohol bar is being broken down and moved to the front courtyard so that people can have drinks during dinner and dancing.

6:37pm – A guy walks up to the back bar and asks for a rum and coke. The bartender explains that we are moving the bar and the front bar will be ready in about ten minutes. The back bar does not have any liquor now, only the soda and juices for making drinks. So the guy asks for a vodka tonic. The bartender patiently explains that there is NO alcohol at this bar, only the juice and soda and if he waits ten minutes the front bar will be able to get him the drink. The guy is not happy and replies “You mean I have to wait ten minutes to get a drink?” then walks off in a huff.

6:41pm – Good Looking Surfer Dude grabs me and orders a drink. I tell him that the front bar will be open in a couple of minutes and I can get his drink then. He says to me “This is Malibu, people like to drink. Why do I have to wait?” I explain to him about the moving of the bar and that it will only be a few more minutes. He shakes his head and I walk off.

6:41 and 10 seconds pm – Good Looking Surfer Dude grabs another server and asks her for the drink. She tells him the same thing, and he clearly thinks that we are lying to him.

6:45pm – The front bar is open, everyone is happy and Good Looking Surfer Dude has received his drink. The future is looking bright.

7:00pm – We begin to server dinner. The place settings with people’s names on them and their table have symbols on the back of them telling us what dinner they ordered. Heart for steak, silver star for chicken, green happy face for fish, and so on. All we have to do is look at people’s place cards and put down the dinner that is corresponds to. We are serving salad now, so that is easy since everyone gets the same salad.

7:32pm – We figure out that most people have not put their place cards on the table or have thrown them away. We have no idea what people are supposed to eat and they are not happy telling us what they ordered.

7:44pm – The DJ makes an announcement for everyone to put their place cards on the table, facing out so that the servers can give them the correct dinner. I see 3 people doing it, the rest could care less. This is Malibu after all.

8:11pm – We discover even though people ordered their meal, they often don’t want what they ordered and don’t get why we can’t just give them what they want. So, we give up on the place card symbols since the sun is setting, we can’t see them and people are bargaining with us as to what they want to eat.

8:23pm – One woman at the second to last table asks what the symbols mean, we tell her and she asks what the symbol is to get her a gin and tonic. Then she laughs one of those hysterical, drunk laughs that everyone thinks is funny except for the sober servers.

8:45pm – Everyone is served and is relatively happy. The dancing begins, and we start to clear dishes. This is usually the easiest part of the night because everyone is fed and drinking and happy. My feet hurt and I am a little sunburned and ready to go home and sleep, but I can’t. I have to be in Sherman Oaks to do an improv show at 10:30.

9:30pm – They release me, tell me what a good job I did and let me know that they are going to be using me again. I get to my car, which still has all of the wheels attached, and leave Malibu.

9:38pm – I hit Saturday night traffic back to L.A. make a phone call to a guy on my team letting him know that I may get there right as the show starts.

10:00pm – I am still in traffic, but this time on the 405 North, the worst highway in the world for traffic.

10:20pm – I roll into the theater and get ready for the show.

12:00am – The show ends and I am on my way home. Tired, but for some reason the Chinatown movie is playing in my head only instead of Chinatown, it’s Malibu. And instead of me being a private detective, I am a caterer. I try to fight what I see going on in Malibu, but my friend tells me “Forget it Jake, this is Malibu”.

For those of you who have seen the movie, you will get it. For those of you that have not seen the movie, you should. It’s great.