Tuesday, August 3

The set of “Jack and Bobby” was at a school in Long Beach, which is about 30 miles from where I live. I got there and went to the check-in for extras. I noticed that most of the extras there were in fact kids just out of high school. Most of them were around 19 or 20. All of the girls were wearing what they would wear to school. I felt really old for the first time in my life. I wish that I were going to school now because if they do, in fact, wear to school what they were wearing to the set, school is a magical place. It is a place where young ladies have the tightest pants on and no visible panty lines. Where they can be free to have there breasts hang out at odd angles and not be afraid that they would be persecuted for showing the top of their ass crack. I also felt really dirty that I was looking, but glad that I choose acting as my profession.

I noticed one of the guys there immediately. He was a tall blonde that fit the “California surfer” type. He had on a t-shirt that did not have any sleeves. And it was obvious that he worked out on his arms quite a bit and I guessed that this t-shirt was pretty typical of his wardrobe. He became Johnny Biceps. Johnny Biceps had a big chain around his neck that hung down to his mid chest and he had on a HUGE belt buckle. He had tucked in his shirt just around his belt buckle; I surmised this was because he was very proud to display the state of Texas, which was on it.

After we all had gone to wardrobe to have our outfits picked out. I noticed that Johnny Biceps was given a letterman jacket; he was part of the track team. I also noticed that they made him change into a different t-shirt, one that had sleeves. I felt a little guilty about nicknaming him Johnny Biceps until he took great care in rolling up the sleeves of the new shirt so he could expose the world to his most prized possession. He also tucked in the front of the new shirt to expose what I guessed was his second most prized possession.

The first scene I was called in to do was taking place between classes, with all of the extras just walking from point A to point B. I was assigned to walk with a young girl who immediately asked how old I was. Age, or how old you look is a really important topic in L.A. That is usually one of the first questions I am asked by people I meet.

An A.D. came up to us and asked if we had any books we could carry with us. I had with my black bag that I keep my stuff in and I told her that I had a notebook that I could carry. I opened my bag and took out the notebook. She looked into my bag and saw a book that I had brought with me to kill time between shots. She grabbed it and said, “Here, hold this too”. She turned the book over and saw the title in big letters, “How To Make It In Hollywood”. She kind of paused and handed me the book and gave me a look that I took to mean, “you are an idiot”. But in her defense, I think a lot of people give me that look.

After lunch, we were set up for a pep rally in an outside eating area. All of us were sitting at picnic tables with trays of cafeteria food in front of us. We were given direction to pantomime clapping, yelling, whistling, giving high fives and whatever else you do at a pep rally. We did a rehearsal and it was obvious that not everyone understood what pantomime meant. So after a quick explanation from the A.D. we did it over and over again. I was looking at the other extras and I remembered why I am glad I am not that age again. Most everyone that age thinks they are to cool for whatever an adult tells you to do. So there was not a lot of enthusiasm from the pep rally crowd. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but if anyone sees me in this scene they would have thought that the Green Bay Packers won another Super Bowl. I was going nuts each time. I am after all a professional.

In between shots, we had time to just sit and wait. I stood up at one point and felt something weird on my butt. I looked down and noticed that I was sitting in gum. I was pretty mad because I just bought these jeans the day before, and I might have already ruined them. I checked out the damage by feeling where the gum was and then trying to scrap some of it off with my fingers. The gum was on the lower part of my butt and there was quite a bit of it. So I began to scrap it off. I was about 2 minutes into it, when I stopped and thought about what I was doing. From other people’s view I was sticking my hand into my ass, picking at it for a while, looking at what was on my fingers and then wiping it on the underneath of the picnic table we were sitting at. I am sure a few of the cheerleaders were getting a big kick out of watching this. Who says you can’t go back and relive high school?
Then, during one of the breaks in between shots, it happened. I man came up and started talking to me. He was about 5’10’’ and had a beard and a huge beer belly. He spoke with an East Coast accent. He came up and said,

“Don’t think what you’re doing isn’t going unnoticed, you’re very enthusiastic. Keep it up”.

I thought to myself, “This is it. This is what you hear about in the Hollywood stories. You do your job and someone notices and you get on a television show. This guy is going to make me a star, I finally got my big break.”

Then the guy walked away, put on a pair of work gloves and helped another couple of guys move some light stands. He was part of the crew.

I stopped imagining my Oscar speech and laughed to myself. At least I was doing a good job.

A couple of shots later, the same guy came up to me and said,

“The camera is pointed right at you, I don’t want to spook you but keep doing what you are doing”.

The camera was about 30 feet away from me. But I kept on cheering like my life depended on it.

The last shot of the day was the end of the pep rally with all of us standing on a hill with the track team, cheerleaders, some of the main characters and all of us had banners or signs or something to cheer with. I was standing next to a guy, Johnny Hilarity, who was must have been the class clown of his high school. He spent a lot of time telling the people around him why the Groundlings made a big mistake not hiring him and telling us his best comeback to people who give him shit is “You know, I crap bigger than you”, which he thought was hilarious. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he stole that line from Jack Palance, I was just ready to end the day.

Right before we did the last shot, the sprinklers went off and you would have thought someone had just released a dirty bomb. Girls were shrieking and running away, guys were pushing each other into the water and Johnny Hilarity made sure to tell the guys around him that he always made the ladies wet. Order was restored and we finished the scene. Time to head home.

As I stood in line to get my voucher signed, the girl ahead of me told her friend that she was going to ask for a “water bump” on the voucher. A “bump” is when you get an increase in pay, over your base rate, for some special reason. Suck as a special skill or prop that you provided for the shoot. Her friend asked her why she was going to ask for a bump and the girl replied,

“Well, I did get wet didn’t I? These are my shoes”.

And she was right in front of me. That means I would have to listen to her argue with the A.D. about why should would not be getting more money for the sprinkler mishap. This sort of thing always happens to me. The next time you are in a grocery store line and you notice a person arguing about the price of the grapes they just bought, and how they are not getting the sale price and how they have to send someone to go do a price check on those valuable grapes. Look directly behind that person and you will find me.

Thankfully another A.D. came over to help sign vouchers and I was able to get out of there quickly. The girl did NOT get a bump, and she was NOT happy about it.

I went to my car and discovered that I had left my lights on when I got there in the morning. My battery was dead. A very nice young lady let me jump my car with her battery and I headed home.

But there was some good news at the end of the night. I was called back to be the mailman for another episode of “Desperate Housewives” on Wednesday.

That means after Wednesday, I would only need one more union voucher to be eligible for SAG.

Just be patient.